“What you get in therapy is wise compassion, where we hold up a mirror to you and help you to see something about yourself that maybe you haven’t been willing or able to see.”- Lori Gottlieb
Before I started attending therapy as a client, I always thought it was just a nice place to vent to a third party without them judging me.
While therapy CAN be this place, it’s also so much more. If you just want a place to vent, then I’ll let you vent and I’ll be sure that you’re heard. But, that won’t necessarily lead to healthy changes for yourself, besides a slight relief after getting a lot off your chest. But then what?
The first thing to establish in the therapy room is safety for the client. Not just physical safety, but emotional and mental safety. Once you feel safe in space, then you'll be able to express and feel your emotions and thoughts more consistently.
Since becoming a therapist, I feel that one of the most important tasks (and also hardest for me because I really dislike confrontation) is helping clients identify their blind spots or red flags within themselves. This can be really hard. To admit to yourself that maybe I am a little controlling, maybe I am insecure, maybe I am overbearing as a parent.
I’ll have the occasional client when their difficult situation really can’t be changed and it’s almost solely because of someone(s) else.
But sometimes, the client is contributing to their own issue too, even if it’s subconsciously or indirect. It could simply be that maybe they aren’t taking a step back to see what they could do for themselves, and instead they are spending so much energy and time on the other person/situation that they can’t change.
So in therapy, we look at what they can do for themselves or how to work on themselves because we can’t change other people. We can only change ourselves.
Coming to therapy expecting the therapist to do something about the way your partner treats you, how unfair your job is, or how unstable your family is, etc, is not realistic. Of course we validate your experience and your pain. But at some point we have to stop talking about “them” and start talking about you.
This could look like:
“What does it say about YOU when your parent consistently doesn’t return your text or phone call for weeks at a time?”
“It says that I am unwanted or not important”.
“We can’t change that your parent is ignoring you, but we can change the negative belief that I’m unwanted to I have value regardless. Let’s work on that.”
“What benefit are YOU getting from staying with a partner who treats you poorly?”
“Maybe I fear being alone so I just take what I can get.” Or, “Im so used to chaos because of my chaotic household growing up, and I know it’s not healthy to be in a relationship that is also chaotic, but it’s so comfortable at the same time.”
“Let’s change that negative belief of I am alone/abandon without this person, to I have value regardless of this person.” Or, I am powerless and change that to I can control what I can.
“What does it mean about YOU that you are fearful of asking for time off when needed in the workplace?
“It feels like I can’t stand up for myself.”
“Let’s take the negative belief that I can’t stand up for myself and change it to I can make my needs known”.
“What does it say about YOU that you’re dwelling on a situation that doesn’t benefit you at all to worry about and you can’t really change?
Maybe that I crave control and not having it makes me feel scared”.
“So let’s change that belief of I am out of control to I can control what I can.”
Side note: negative and positive beliefs can be switched and believed much more quickly when using EMDR therapy. But that’s a whole different topic!
There’s been a couple of times when I’ve had to ask a client if they are really wanting to heal or if they would really rather stay how they are because it’s comfortable to them. This is always a hard conversation to have when pointing out someone’s blind spots or red flags. But it’s one of the best things we can do as therapists. And I think it’s the most important part about therapy.
Therapy is really really hard work. A good therapy space involves you as a client being challenged. Nothing will come of talk sessions if you aren't being challenged and thats not always comfortable. Looking at your flaws is not comfortable. You can come a few times or however long as you want to vent about day-to-day life and that is totally fine and as a therapist we should all be there as a listening ear and to give advice where we can. And sometimes that’s exactly what people need!
But usually it’s not as simple as that. I’ve had people in our first session vent to me about the problem and then ask what I think they should do.
“My parents have really high expectations that I can’t meet, what do I do??”
Unfortunately I can’t ever give a straight answer because there’s so much more that usually needs to be looked at.
I may ask, “What would it look like for you to not be bothered by what your parents expect? To believe that I’m good enough regardless?” And from there usually opens a can of worms, which is good! But it's way more in depth than simply, “What do I do?”
I can give you general advice on how to handle a conflict and that may be enough. But usually there’s a lot more to it.
Coming to therapy and thinking it’ll only take a couple of weeks to feel better is not really the case. Therapy can take months to years to fully heal yourself but I believe it’s the best journey you can take! I’ve always thought if we aren’t trying to better ourselves every day then what are we really working towards?
Kate Regnier, LLMSW