I hear this type of statement from so many clients that struggle with anxiety and panic attacks.
Anxiety can’t always be seen, and it’s easy to question yourself and say “why can’t my brain just stop doing this”. We start to feel silly and embarrassed if we have a panic attack at work, or in the store, or when we’re out with friends. We think, “This is so stupid, I don’t know why I’m freaking out. Why can’t I just stop”. You feel that you can’t say anything to those around you because you don’t want to be the reason the night has to end, or plans get canceled. We don’t want to be a burden or a problem for people. Even worse, if we do say something and we get the response:
what do you mean you’re anxious? You look fine!
Just relax.
It’s can’t be that bad!
This confirms our worse fear: our anxiety isn’t valid. It’s not a good enough or important enough reason to call off work, or stay in for the night, or leave the party early. Since we feel it’s not valid, we begin to stop talking about it. When it’s happening, we try to ignore it or act like it’s not a big deal or shove it down, so that we don’t give people the chance to invalidate it more, or make us feel weak or silly.
But doing this makes the anxiety even worse, because now you are shoving it aside, shaming it and invalidating it. When what it really needs is to be nurtured and listened to. It needs you to stand up for it.
This is something that I struggled with for years, still some today. Shaming the anxiety and yelling at it only makes it feel worse. Something that can help is learning to stand up for it. It is important enough to be noticed. Just because others can’t see how its affecting you on the outside, doesn’t mean it’s not a big enough deal to notice it yourself. Learning to state your needs and advocating for yourself can be so impactful for something like this.
What would be different if instead of yelling at and shaming your anxiety when it shows up, you try being curious and compassionate toward it? Instead of telling it it’s stupid and to go away, validate it and try to listen to it.
Treat your anxiety like a kid. You would never yell at a kid for feeling anxious and overwhelmed, especially if they didn’t understand it or why they were feeling that way. Instead, you would probably comfort the kid, and make them feel seen and heard.
Not shame them
Not tell them they’re embarrassing you
Not make them feel silly
If you said these things to a kid for feeling anxious, they would probably cry, and feel sad, angry, and shameful.
If you were compassionate and understanding toward the kid, they would feel more understood and relaxed, knowing that there’s nothing “wrong” with how they’re feeling. And who knows, but they may even feel less anxious! And the next time they felt anxious, they would learn that it’s okay. They don’t need to feel shameful about it or embarrassed. And the anxiety itself may start to dwindle away more and more.
Your anxiety is valid, real, and important, no matter how it looks or feels on the outside from others perspectives. Start treating it that way!
Kate Regnier, LLMSW